I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
