I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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