and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
