My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
