if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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