She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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