Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
