I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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