ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
