thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
