I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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