I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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