My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
