I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
