yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
