So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
