So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize