Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
