paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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