Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
