Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
