Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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