i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sext me about skeletons
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
