The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
