kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
