do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize