dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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