i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
