I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
