It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
