I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
