every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
