Please, let me fuck your mom
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
