Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
