i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
