I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
