Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
