Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize