see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
