Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
