Apparently you make a good broom.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
