Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
