I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
