he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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