genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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