New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
