He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
