i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
