I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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