Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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