I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
