a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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