This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
