I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
