there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
