if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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