There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
