There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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