on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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